A guest post by Mima
I always used to say I was a ‘Type A’ personality. Hey, it was the reason why I never had time to travel, fall in love, start a family, hang out with friends or even relax and watch an entire movie at once. It simply would go completely against the grain and wouldn’t feel natural to take time away from work.
And my work was never ending. Along with a full time job, I always had another project on the go. Whether it was writing a book, going to college, volunteering or one of the many other tasks I felt needed my attention, I didn’t have time for a life. With all that and my daily workout, I fell to bed in exhaustion every night – then started it all over again.
Then I had the bright idea to move. I wasn’t happy so obviously the solution was to start over somewhere new. I had all these illusions that I would finally have the life I wanted in a new city. All my hard work would pay off and things would fall into place.
Didn’t quite work out that way.
I moved from the east to west coast, to an unfamiliar city – with nothing. I had to find a new job, adjust to public transportation for the first time and attempt to make friends. I was completely out of my element and started to fall in a depression.
As months went by, things didn’t improve. I was increasingly unhappy. Suddenly I didn’t want to be busy all the time. I didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. I stopped working out, almost completely stopped writing and had no social life. I was lonely and depressed. I continually tried to rise above it but a year after the move, things really fell apart.
As it turns out, all the years of being busy was simply a way to avoid personal growth and dealing with all my real issues in my life. Just like snowflakes in a blizzard, the problems started off slowly and seemed harmless until suddenly a wallop knocked me off my feet. I was depressed first thing every morning and sometimes had to hide my face at work because I felt tears forming in my eyes. I hated my life. I hated myself. I didn’t want to live. I felt alone and unable to cope.
Misery was crippling me and insisted it will not get better. Why would it? I wasn’t getting any younger or prettier, my books weren’t best sellers, I was behind on my bills and I was truly alone. Checking out Facebook and I’d see how happy everyone else is – wedding and baby announcements, photos from vacations, new homes – the world was living in ‘happy land’ and I was stuck here.
However when I felt desperate for help and searched, it quickly appeared. One friend introduced me to religion and although I am not associated with a church, it gave me a sense of spirituality. I would often go to the library and magically find the exact book that addressed the specific issue wearing on my heart at that time. Online blogs, free ebooks, even television programs and movies – it just seemed like I was finding the information as I needed it and slowly, the layers of my depression started to melt away.
Not that I am out of the woods yet but I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Through my journey, I discovered that my biggest enemy was actually my thought process.
Something bad would happen and I would automatically think, ‘Great, here is the dark cloud that always follows me around, back again!’ I felt I was jinxed and cursed. I felt powerless in my own life. I felt disliked by others and like I never quite ‘fit in’. But then someone told me some powerful information that really stuck with me – these negative thoughts are actually the voice of depression – not intuition.
I remind myself that depression is quite powerful, and it working against me. It is attempting to extinguish my happiness. So why was I clinging onto it like a friend?
Everything isn’t always going to be like this. I don’t have a dark cloud hanging over me. I am not jinxed. Everyone doesn’t hate me. I won’t always be alone.
It’s funny how slowly changing my thought process has also changed my life. It isn’t 100% perfect and I still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but I keep working at it and slowly, I see differences in my life. It’s about changing your habits and changing your thoughts.
And I now realize that life requires balance to work. Even Type A personalities require a break, once in awhile.
About the Author
Mima is the author of Fire, a fictitious novel that takes place in the middle of the 90s music scene. The prequel, A Spark before the Fire was released in October 2011. The pen name Mima is derived from the initials of the writer’s name. She started writing during her childhood on Prince Edward Island, Canada. In the future, she hopes to write a screenplay for this novel. You can find Mima at mimaonfire.com and on Facebook. Mima currently lives in Vancouver, British Columbia.